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Waking up with a heavy, confused heart.. With questions that will never seem to be answered.. I don’t want this anymore.

Why don’t we look the other way? It might be the right way.

“In this heavy and confusing life, while you deal with your business, you wonder what they are doing all of a sudden and think of the person first aside from yourself. That’s enough of a reason to call it love.”

-Excerpt from Every Moment Was You

“The only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity. You cannot win an Emmy for roles that are simply not there.”

-Viola Davis, Emmy Awards 2015

Irreplaceable You

This isn’t a movie review.

I paused it and am writing this while crying. It’s because of this movie that I finally am honest to myself on how lonely I am.

I am lonely.

I still don’t have anyone. 23 years (24 in a month) and I still don’t.

I know no one should make anyone a solution to their sadness.. or problems.. or feeling of incompleteness, but I really feel sad and incomplete.

I am okay. My life’s okay. There’s these bumps every now and then, but I am okay with my life, my family, my friends, myself. I like how everything is. I love it. I’m happy.

It’s just that there’s something missing. There’s this hole inside. I feel empty. Not that I don’t feel loved; in fact I am, very. It’s just different when you have someone. As I always say and know:

I’m ready.

I may be a little bruised now. I might seem to be yearning for somebody to complete me or fix me or turn as my world. No, all I want is to have someone I can shower all my love on and be showered on all his, someone I’d brave any storm with.

But where are you?

“Who’s this? Looks familiar?”

My harsh way of saying, “I missed you so much, E! I miss the kind of friendship we had when you were still single.”

But of course he didn’t get that.