I don’t know what to do anymore

It’s so frustrating I can’t stop crying right now. I don’t get why my family doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation we are in.

Nothing’s guaranteed in this life, but all the more now that we have this pandemic.

My mother has to go to work twice each week, not to mention it’s in Quezon City and they have the highest number of cases in the National Capital Region. Observing her actions, she doesn’t remember to dispose her surgical or N-95 masks right away, sometimes left on the sofa or in the bedroom. She also has to stay at our relatives there and the neighborhood’s not observing proper precautions. Given that she has to be there Mondays and Tuesdays, 14-day home quarantine’s not feasible and she sleeps beside my father when she’s home. Now, she doesn’t even want to continue taking her vitamins.

My sister works and sleeps at her business partner’s residence most of the time, sometimes having to deliver the products to customers by herself. My father regularly cycles with different friends.

I volunteered to do the errands such as going to markets and grocery stores from March since I know best that they don’t have to worry about me not taking care of myself while I’m out (very strict to them at home and teaches them everything I read and watch online re COVID) and I’m the healthiest in the family (given my age, lifestyle, and the only one not having any hospital record). I’ve also been avoiding contact with any of my friends no matter what they think or say.

Still, any one of us is in danger of contracting the virus. Moreover, cases can be asymptomatic; who’s to know that we’re not “positive” yet?

Tests have triaging; we can’t easily request for one. Tests are expensive. Hospital bills are sky high. Hospitals are full. Health workers are pleading for resources, budgets, time. The Philippine government’s prioritizing their own interests. Test positive and one foot’s surely in the grave already.

We’re not safe. No one is.

I volunteered to be the most exposed when all of us are still home, safe with each other. I chose to take the risk without hesitation. I’ve thought about the worst case scenario. Patients can’t be visited and are placed in isolation; I can do that. I’ll be happier being there alone, knowing they’re all “negative” and safe at home.

At present, only my youngest sister is not going out. We don’t have available rooms at home where we can practice proper distancing.

I can’t guarantee their safety, not even mine. I don’t understand why they don’t get it.

“2020 is a year of change.. A change for the better.” -Joshua Beauchamp

His first line tore me, given the worldwide pandemic, the “new normal”, injustice, deaths, political and racial issues.

But he went on and said “for the better”. I instantly smiled and remembered how many people are coming together to fight for the lives of each and everyone, most strangers to us – COVID patients and police brutality victims.

Now is the perfect time to show how united we are. Let’s help one another in ways we can. Let’s educate each other. Come together everyone, everywhere now~ Together, we’ll get through these!

Sending love from a PH Uniter!

Watch “Now & Always United – The Now United Show” on YouTube

I still think of you, best friend.

But no matter how bad I feel for what happened to our friendship, I keep getting the but-it-was-toxic end of statement.

It was bound to end one way or another. I will not be able to stay long in that kind of friendship. It’s exhausting. Nakakasakal. It’s just too much.

I was very happy and very grateful for your family’s generosity and open hearts. I had a very good time staying at your place, spending time with your relatives who made me feel like I was part of the family, too. It sucks I had to disappear.

I truly, honestly, hope you’re doing okay. Last time your cousin and I spoke, you weren’t. I wish you’d come out of your shell, meet people, trust people, live.

I hope you find the best friend I can never be. I hope you also have a boy friend now. I can’t wait to hear about those two!

I sincerely hope I haven’t scarred you for life.

I knew what your other former friends meant to you and how bad it shaped your outlook in life. Still, I turned out to be one of those stories.

But I just can’t be friends with just you. I can’t let you prohibit me from going out with other people just coz you need me and only had me. I can’t let you make me feel bad for not always visiting when I started working and moved back home to spend time with my family. I have a life of my own, too.

It was getting toxic. Early on, I saw the red flags; but I thought I could help you. I thought I will be able to. I almost lost some other good friends in the process. I have a life of my own, too. As much as I wanted to be the best friend for you, I can’t just have my life revolve around you.

In the end, I had to lose you.. and your whole, amazing family. I miss all of you.. Always. I think there’s not a month I haven’t thought of you. I’ve even thought of driving by your street sometime.

But it wasn’t just all you; I hope you know that. I was wrong in many ways. I was wrong to try to change you. I realized too late that I couldn’t help you by forcing you to change. We’re different. We’re polars. Solutions that benefit me may not be able to help you. They didn’t.

I wish you well.

I haven’t given up; I know you will do better. I know you can. You don’t need someone else to help you. You need you. You have you. One day you’ll come to realize that. Stay healthy. Stay alive.

One week

I get why I feel like days fly by so fast, now.

I’m doing nothing.

The weeks are passing by the same ways. It’s always the same things. There’s nothing new, nothing special, nothing’s changed.

That’s what I should vow to myself to start doing now. Each week, there should be at least one thing I accomplished, began, or changed. I will jot it down weekly and post it here exactly one year later. I know this initiative will greatly impact who and where I will be by that time.

It’s just up to me to start.

Direction

Hearing, “Ate, gusto ko magmed,” (Translation: Sister, I want to study medicine) this morning just instantly shifted my life’s direction.

It’s a dream I’ve never let go; just put on hold. Now, it’s my sister’s dream, too. I’m so glad I have a set timeline for that dream of mine (plan B and plan C I’ve well thought of for a long time). I’m also glad she knows what she wants now (at the age of 13).

But it’s confusing me because hearing those words both set my plans straight-er and at the same time collapsed mine. Confusing, right? Hahaha.

Now, I can’t help thinking if it’s something I should add to the drawing or if I should throw away the first and draw on a new, blank page.