Birthday

Walking along the busy city streets tonight, I realized this is the first time I’m not looking forward to my birthday, which is tomorrow. I’m not feeling any excitement, fear, worry.. good nor bad.. nothing. I have even just accepted that this may come with age. Adults may be feeling this way all the time. Then it hurt me again to realize it may be because there’s nothing special happening in my life right now. I don’t even want to just pray for my current obstacle, the family being financially in a bad state. I usually wish to have something I’m yearning for on my next birthday or wish to have passed and be laughing at a present problem a year later or show extreme gratitude for the things I have now and am experiencing now. However, tonight.. This year..

Nothing. Blank. Empty.

Until a few more minutes of contemplating, watching the seemingly lonely, damp roads be lit by passing cars, it struck me. I needn’t have a special reason to be happy about it nor have to always look forward to it. Simply, the gift of life.. Me being here right now.. Me having lived 22 years.. And still having the opportunity to continue.. It’s more than enough reason to celebrate tomorrow.

Happy 23rd birthday, self!

Cheers to life!

TyL!

I’ve finally come to terms with three people who have made the biggest impact in my life.. all three today!

One.. Sat in his car and spent hours alone with him.

Two.. Messaged and invited her to our friends’ next night out.

Three.. Breathed the same air as he again after all those years.

Emotional barriers have been brought down. All the pain and anger that haunted me for the longest time have finally turned to dust and danced with the wind. It wasn’t even awkward at all. I can’t explain the feeling, but thank you, Lord, for this day.

Yes and No

So, I’m seated across my sister, staring blankly on the floor.

“Ano, give up na?” (So, giving up?)

She’s referring to the article I’m writing for work, but it was processed a lot differently.

You?

Yes, I’m letting go of the feelings and hopes I still have.

Yes, I’m giving up the thought that we could still be something when the time is right.

Plans?

No, I’m not letting go of the dreams I have for myself.

No, I trust in His plans for me.

The question’s still echoing. My answers are clear but my soul feels so empty and heavy at the same time.

Thank you so much, Lord God. I received an unexpected blessing tonight. It really is true not to give in and give up when challenges arise.. for He has plans. He’s preparing something for us. Thank you. I’ve been breaking for days, wondering how to solve these. You led me to it tonight. It’s a hard call, alike all the other options, but it’s for the best, for now. One down.

Not anymore

No more time to waste. No more hiding. If the right one comes along, I will not waste another moment nor run away from his reach. I will let myself feel freely.. love and be loved.

Likewise, I’ll do my best not to waste any opportunity to be with friends and family, to go to places I’ve never been, and to do things I rarely do or I’ve never done. Tomorrow is never promised.

It’s very timely that I was able to watch this movie that made realize all these on the month of love. Thank you, Can’t Help Falling In Love.

12:26 AM

12:26 AM

Quietness. Darkness. Aloneness.

I’m spending the weekend home alone. The whole family has events to attend and activities to do. I have just turned off the lights and lain in bed. Staring in front of me, I realized I’m enjoying this. I hear only the sound of the fan. No light is left turned on. I’m the only one here. It brings me peace. This is one rare time I’d like to spend more. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to stay up and daydream or write more or play more songs, what I need most now is sleep. I still have a lot of catching up to do. Time to hibernate! Good night!

Sometimes, even when they’re gone, you just know for sure that some people will always always have a special place in your heart.. that no one, new nor better, can take.

Under the night sky

It’s about time. Under the night sky.. At this hour.. At this place.. I’m making my decision. I’m letting him go. I’m letting go of my hopes. I’m letting go of the concept of “us.” God knows how long I prayed and hoped. I think that’s enough.

This time, it’s real. Friends, nothing more. I wish him well in everything he does. I’m here if he needs a friend.

He will always have a special place in my heart, that’s for sure.

“…like a sister loves a brother, and a friend loves a friend.” -Rosie

Say it

I told you how I felt. What you don’t know is I still do, but that doesn’t matter anymore. I just want to hear you say the words. Anything, as long as it’s the truth. If you’re done, no worries, I’ll be done soon. I’ll be fine soon.

december nine

what we have, i can’t define

though everything’s in line

with you here, everything’s fine

i don’t know what to do, give me a sign

take the risk, accept or decline

tell me, will you ever be mine?