It starts within, yes. But maybe, just maybe, what’s missing is someone who’d constantly push you to do better.
Quietness. Darkness. Aloneness.
I’m spending the weekend home alone. The whole family has events to attend and activities to do. I have just turned off the lights and lain in bed. Staring in front of me, I realized I’m enjoying this. I hear only the sound of the fan. No light is left turned on. I’m the only one here. It brings me peace. This is one rare time I’d like to spend more. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to stay up and daydream or write more or play more songs, what I need most now is sleep. I still have a lot of catching up to do. Time to hibernate! Good night!
This is one of those nights when I just can’t stop thinking, worrying, and suddenly explode into tears I’ve been trying to hold back for far too long.
It’s just so hard. Worse, I have no one to talk to about all these. I know there are lots of good souls willing to listen, but no matter how difficult it gets, a huge part of me still thinks and feels this is a battle I could fight on my own; partly because I don’t want others to see what’s behind the mask, more so that everything’s just masked.
I don’t know what to do anymore. R.. Should I speak to him now? Should I do it face to face? Should I just show this blog to him and let this explain everything? Should I just choose not to let him hear the truth from me ever? D.. Should I inform him that I just act normal but that doesn’t mean I’m over it and I forgive and believe him? Should I make him explain to me upfront? Should I add that woman on Facebook? Should I look into his phone once more? Should I let this go and just believe him?
This is one of those nights when I sincerely wish I could fall asleep and wake up finally knowing what to do.
I love long walks in the busy city streets early in the morning. But sometimes I wish there’d be anyone who will walk in front of me and assure me reality’s better than the world inside my head.
No matter how bad your day goes, there’s always someone up there who wouldn’t let it end that way. You just have to take the time to notice the little things.
So far, it has been a struggle to wake up each day and get to work. I have a problem with my status, my workload, my worth, my rights. I’m losing all the motivation to do my responsibilities. I won’t get into details but it’s really a mess right now. And just lately, I’ve convinced myself (with the help of my beloved coworkers) to finally do something about it.. and not just anything, but the biggest risk one could do. I’ve set my plans, but I’m still having difficulties executing them, let alone the fact that aside from my colleagues, none of my friends and family have any idea about what I’m going through. I’m also trying really hard to distract myself from other problems I concurrently have.
There I was, getting out of the building from working late, dreading the thought of going home and not getting a good sleep from worrying and getting up again to face life. I saw the buses filled with people standing and sighed. My mood and the condition of my ride home is just a good combo, isn’t it? Then, as I read the sign from the coming bus I was about to ride, I was surprised it was the one that could take me home easily! Buses like this one never (in my whole experience) come this way! It was such a blessing. I kept sighing in relief as I boarded and comfortably sat.
So I thought He was done surprising me. I read today’s teaching from The Daily Bread and it just strike me right through the chest. He wanted me to surrender all plans I have to him, reminded that He is beside me through it all. It even has the scripture that I have a copy here on my phone as a wallpaper that I use each time I needed it.
“God is within her, she will not fall.” Psalms 46:5
Minutes later, as I was writing down my reflections for today’s reading, the song Heavy played on the bus. This is the one song that really gets to me especially in times that everything feels heavy. I let out a deep sigh. The song was followed by Superhero, one of my all-time motivating songs. I mouthed a “thank You” as I began to realize the consecutive ways He’s been letting me aware of his presence. No matter how hard these days are to me right now, I’m never alone in this fight. So are you.
There are lots of people I want to check out, help out, even just remind that they’re not alone in their battles. Problem is, I don’t have the courage to begin the conversation.
Here’s the thing, I’ve been feeling lonely one afternoon. I was home alone the whole day. I wanted to, so I could sing my heart out and play music in full blast and dance all around the house without anybody telling me to stop.
But it turned out different. Being alone opened the door to endless dreaming. Thoughts and feelings I’ve been trying to keep in my subconscious finally escaped. They all yearned to be felt, to be recognized, and I just couldn’t take it.
I wanted company, but at the same time I wanted to still be alone. I wanted to talk to someone, but I didn’t want him/her to find out about all those. I battled with myself. Until my eyes caught the shelves. I opened a book; what better way to escape from reality? I was lucky enough to read about a chapter where the characters made fun of Siri.