Dang, can I say the truth for once?

I really, really miss you, R.

Irreplaceable You

This isn’t a movie review.

I paused it and am writing this while crying. It’s because of this movie that I finally am honest to myself on how lonely I am.

I am lonely.

I still don’t have anyone. 23 years (24 in a month) and I still don’t.

I know no one should make anyone a solution to their sadness.. or problems.. or feeling of incompleteness, but I really feel sad and incomplete.

I am okay. My life’s okay. There’s these bumps every now and then, but I am okay with my life, my family, my friends, myself. I like how everything is. I love it. I’m happy.

It’s just that there’s something missing. There’s this hole inside. I feel empty. Not that I don’t feel loved; in fact I am, very. It’s just different when you have someone. As I always say and know:

I’m ready.

I may be a little bruised now. I might seem to be yearning for somebody to complete me or fix me or turn as my world. No, all I want is to have someone I can shower all my love on and be showered on all his, someone I’d brave any storm with.

But where are you?

I meant..

Okay, last chance. If you don’t say or do anything that’ll prove that you still are into me, I’m done. I’m letting go of these long-time hopes and stubborn feelings for real.

Or maybe last two.

*weak laugh* When will I succeed in getting over you?

Tangled

When you’re more honest to the person you’re rejecting about a person you’re into than to the latter…

Plus, after turning him down, he ends up advising you on being brave enough to tell that other person how you feel about him.

How complicated can my life be?

Grudges

I used to hold grudges on people (dear friends and special ones) who either agree to meeting up then cancelling last minute, especially those who don’t give any notice that they wouldn’t make it, or don’t respond to any of my messages and keep me on “seen.”

These people, unfortunately, are those whom I rarely see or talk or whom I had to gather enough courage first before speaking to or asking out; which was why I tend to hurt so much then.

But I have learnt to shrug it off (that I’m very glad to) sometime this year; when and how are vague.

What I do is I keep in mind that I don’t know if they may be going through / have been through something. If I do know, still, I don’t know what exactly they were feeling or how devastating it must have been for them.

I try to understand.

I try to.. Though I don’t understand a thing, though I’m hurting, though I feel disappointed, though my expectations and excitement are really at the peak.

We all cope differently.

During those times, we also sometimes hurt others or push them away unbeknownst to us.

I just repeat those thoughts over and over until I’m calm.

I hope they know that I’ll still be here, fast forward everything.

A Christian in whom the Holy Spirit dwells is not exempt from having to experience struggle, temptations, disorderly desires, rebellious feelings… [the difference is that all these things come] upon him against his will.’ They are on the surface. Yet there is a ‘peace in the depth of their hearts. That is like a deep-ocean current always flowing steadily regardless of the wind and the waves on the surface.” –Father Raniero Cantalamessa

Please don’t

Took a nap just a while ago.

Dreamt of me hearing my father flirting on the phone. I stormed outside my room towards him in the living room. He didn’t notice me as his eyes were closed and was wearing earphones. I was enraged, more so because the setting was similar to the actual before I fell asleep — my mother and youngest sister asleep on the couches — yet he seemed confident he won’t wake them up and kept on talking. Though I already knew who it was on the other end, I grabbed his phone to look at the caller ID. It was a bit hard since along with the shock, his reflexes made him hold on to his phone.

I awakened.

No, please don’t let it be a warning, Lord. I don’t want it to happen to us.. again. I don’t want to go through it alone again. I don’t want to hold more grudges against him. I don’t want to forgive him again. Please.

When someone said s/he would like to travel back in time, not to change things, but to feel a few things twice.

darn, I felt that.

Birthday

Walking along the busy city streets tonight, I realized this is the first time I’m not looking forward to my birthday, which is tomorrow. I’m not feeling any excitement, fear, worry.. good nor bad.. nothing. I have even just accepted that this may come with age. Adults may be feeling this way all the time. Then it hurt me again to realize it may be because there’s nothing special happening in my life right now. I don’t even want to just pray for my current obstacle, the family being financially in a bad state. I usually wish to have something I’m yearning for on my next birthday or wish to have passed and be laughing at a present problem a year later or show extreme gratitude for the things I have now and am experiencing now. However, tonight.. This year..

Nothing. Blank. Empty.

Until a few more minutes of contemplating, watching the seemingly lonely, damp roads be lit by passing cars, it struck me. I needn’t have a special reason to be happy about it nor have to always look forward to it. Simply, the gift of life.. Me being here right now.. Me having lived 22 years.. And still having the opportunity to continue.. It’s more than enough reason to celebrate tomorrow.

Happy 23rd birthday, self!

Cheers to life!