“Who’s this? Looks familiar?”

My harsh way of saying, “I missed you so much, E! I miss the kind of friendship we had when you were still single.”

But of course he didn’t get that.

Grudges

I used to hold grudges on people (dear friends and special ones) who either agree to meeting up then cancelling last minute, especially those who don’t give any notice that they wouldn’t make it, or don’t respond to any of my messages and keep me on “seen.”

These people, unfortunately, are those whom I rarely see or talk or whom I had to gather enough courage first before speaking to or asking out; which was why I tend to hurt so much then.

But I have learnt to shrug it off (that I’m very glad to) sometime this year; when and how are vague.

What I do is I keep in mind that I don’t know if they may be going through / have been through something. If I do know, still, I don’t know what exactly they were feeling or how devastating it must have been for them.

I try to understand.

I try to.. Though I don’t understand a thing, though I’m hurting, though I feel disappointed, though my expectations and excitement are really at the peak.

We all cope differently.

During those times, we also sometimes hurt others or push them away unbeknownst to us.

I just repeat those thoughts over and over until I’m calm.

I hope they know that I’ll still be here, fast forward everything.

W,

I never thought we’d have a conversation like this ever and I’m thankful for this chance. You were one of the first guys who made me feel so special, who taught me of patience, consistency, and perseverance, who made me realize I’m worth loving, and whom I hurt so much.

I’m really happy for you. You would always talk about these things back in high school and now everything’s slowly turning into reality. You’re migrating to the US in a few weeks. You’re getting married in a few months. She is your first and last. You’re aiming to get your mom to be with you two asap. You had everything planned out and really are chasing your dreams at a young age.

I don’t want to ruin the moment by saying sorry for everything I did, said, made you feel.. but I hope you know I am.

Just really happy we are talking right now.. Me being excited to wear a gown on your wedding.. You telling me I might get married in church first.. I’m happy you’re happy. Knew I wasn’t the one for you, but I wanted us to be like this.

Moments

Random moments when the conversations flow freely..

Rants, secrets, problems.. They’re all out without second thoughts.

It just feels so good.

These are moments I rarely realize I need until they happen.

“Surround yourself with people who inspire you… share their accomplishments, share their mistakes… Collective wisdom.” -Dean Graziosi

Truly, no matter how long and how much you prepare for people who are leaving, the pain’s still the same.

To a few

Fast forward to years later, I hope we still talk and meet from time to time no matter where life leads us.

Really. It’s all I wish.

At present, I still suck at showing people how much I value them, esp in making time to see them. 😕

Not anymore

No more time to waste. No more hiding. If the right one comes along, I will not waste another moment nor run away from his reach. I will let myself feel freely.. love and be loved.

Likewise, I’ll do my best not to waste any opportunity to be with friends and family, to go to places I’ve never been, and to do things I rarely do or I’ve never done. Tomorrow is never promised.

It’s very timely that I was able to watch this movie that made realize all these on the month of love. Thank you, Can’t Help Falling In Love.

Under the night sky

It’s about time. Under the night sky.. At this hour.. At this place.. I’m making my decision. I’m letting him go. I’m letting go of my hopes. I’m letting go of the concept of “us.” God knows how long I prayed and hoped. I think that’s enough.

This time, it’s real. Friends, nothing more. I wish him well in everything he does. I’m here if he needs a friend.

He will always have a special place in my heart, that’s for sure.

“…like a sister loves a brother, and a friend loves a friend.” -Rosie