Grudges

I used to hold grudges on people (dear friends and special ones) who either agree to meeting up then cancelling last minute, especially those who don’t give any notice that they wouldn’t make it, or don’t respond to any of my messages and keep me on “seen.”

These people, unfortunately, are those whom I rarely see or talk or whom I had to gather enough courage first before speaking to or asking out; which was why I tend to hurt so much then.

But I have learnt to shrug it off (that I’m very glad to) sometime this year; when and how are vague.

What I do is I keep in mind that I don’t know if they may be going through / have been through something. If I do know, still, I don’t know what exactly they were feeling or how devastating it must have been for them.

I try to understand.

I try to.. Though I don’t understand a thing, though I’m hurting, though I feel disappointed, though my expectations and excitement are really at the peak.

We all cope differently.

During those times, we also sometimes hurt others or push them away unbeknownst to us.

I just repeat those thoughts over and over until I’m calm.

I hope they know that I’ll still be here, fast forward everything.

Eyes

Sight is the most precious thing to me. Whenever asked which of the five senses I would be alright living without, sight isn’t even in the choices.

Watching this video made me decide right then and there that when I have enough money, I will donate glasses or caah to people who were born colorblind or blind.

It just isn’t fair. It’s unfair that they don’t get to see, appreciate, and be in awe of God’s wonderful creations. They cannot not see this beauty.. this marvelous world we’re in.

I vow to do so.

Reminder

Created a wallpaper that would help me check if I’m taking the right steps each day.. If I’m moving towards my goals.

Looks really messy and childish, but is very symbolic.

Dollar bills – spend less, save more, earn more

Honda logo – watch driving lessons, get a driver’s license, use CK our car

Two hearts – go on dates for Pete’s sake, let go if it’s not him or do something to keep him

Family on a car wearing beanies – treat my family on trips to places as far as I could afford

Purple – my favorite color then, to remind me that these have been MY goals for a long time now, mine and not imposed by anyone else

W,

I never thought we’d have a conversation like this ever and I’m thankful for this chance. You were one of the first guys who made me feel so special, who taught me of patience, consistency, and perseverance, who made me realize I’m worth loving, and whom I hurt so much.

I’m really happy for you. You would always talk about these things back in high school and now everything’s slowly turning into reality. You’re migrating to the US in a few weeks. You’re getting married in a few months. She is your first and last. You’re aiming to get your mom to be with you two asap. You had everything planned out and really are chasing your dreams at a young age.

I don’t want to ruin the moment by saying sorry for everything I did, said, made you feel.. but I hope you know I am.

Just really happy we are talking right now.. Me being excited to wear a gown on your wedding.. You telling me I might get married in church first.. I’m happy you’re happy. Knew I wasn’t the one for you, but I wanted us to be like this.

Maybe not

Maybe one day, all these thoughts will be reality. Maybe not with the person I’m imagining at present, but surely with the right person.

This in itself soothes me.

I just really can’t control my mind. Us getting another chance in this lifetime is next to impossible anymore, but I can’t stop myself. I keep on creating happy memories I know might never happen.

And that’s okay. I’ll hold on to the thought that it might not.. not with him.. But with the person written in God’s plans, it surely will.

I think I can settle on this for now.

Please don’t

Took a nap just a while ago.

Dreamt of me hearing my father flirting on the phone. I stormed outside my room towards him in the living room. He didn’t notice me as his eyes were closed and was wearing earphones. I was enraged, more so because the setting was similar to the actual before I fell asleep — my mother and youngest sister asleep on the couches — yet he seemed confident he won’t wake them up and kept on talking. Though I already knew who it was on the other end, I grabbed his phone to look at the caller ID. It was a bit hard since along with the shock, his reflexes made him hold on to his phone.

I awakened.

No, please don’t let it be a warning, Lord. I don’t want it to happen to us.. again. I don’t want to go through it alone again. I don’t want to hold more grudges against him. I don’t want to forgive him again. Please.

All things new

New work.

New shift.

New songs from Lauv and Taylor Swift.

New Marvel movie.

An exciting week, this is. ✨