Ever been so physically and emotionally tired you’re holding back the tears on a bus ride going home?

Then a mother, with her two kids, enters and sits on the stair portion at the back…

Lots of questions were racing in my mind as I finally sat in the bus. Why didn’t my best friend tell me about the real situation? Why did she lie to me? Why me, of all people? Why couldn’t she tell me? Why hasn’t she planned on telling me up to the last minute? How insignificant am I to her? Did I do something wrong to her? Was my reaction when she told me she was getting married too sharp she took a step back? Why, no matter how hurt I am for how I accidentally found out she’s pregnant, can’t I stay mad at her for long? Why, as betrayed as I felt I was, do I still want what’s best for her? Why did I have a hard time choosing the perfect wedding gift, one that would be of great use and value, dismissing the cost, size, and weight? Why was I hand-carrying the gift all by myself? Why do I have nobody beside me to carry the weight for me, to share the burden with, both literally and figuratively? Why am I such an independent and strong woman I sometimes feel it’s too much? Why do I have this big of love to share but feel like there’s none this big to receive? Why couldn’t I answer back to the cruel driver who was mocking me for not being able to walk across and find a seat while the bus was moving and I was carrying a big, heavy load? Why do I have no one to share all these thoughts and frustrations at this moment? Why do I feel helpless? Why do I not have a choice but to go on, despite being so tired? Why am I having a hard time holding back the tears?

Moments later, they arrived and sat down beside me. Without thinking, my mouth opened, “Miss, let me carry your child so it wouldn’t be too difficult for you and your baby.” She instantly handed over her baby. I was shocked, both at who she’d given me and at what I said. All the questions and the pain inside and the exhaustion subsided in just a second. I couldn’t help but smile as the baby bounced and played with my bag. I took out my phone to capture the unbelievable situation. Her mother took her from me when she was becoming noisy. I asked for the little boy to come sit on my lap instead. It’s very clear to see that they need assistance. I just couldn’t offer my seat because of the space my gift was taking up and I know it would be less comfortable for them three. The mother was gently urging her son to come to me, but he was very shy he didn’t want to.

Another batch of thoughts waved in. This time, realizations. How nice it is to offer someone help, though you are fully aware you needed help as well. Person suffering x (Others suffering + Good deed) = Lessened hardships for both parties. I’m not sure if my equation is correct. Haha! Also, good deeds, though unbeknownst to many, bear the same value. Even if no praises are received for a kind act, self-awareness is more than enough. 

I’m still in the bus. I did plan to write all this while it still is fresh, but just moments ago, I realized one more thing.. What if they were God? What if He brought them to me to erase all my worries? What if it was He or Jesus Himself who came to rescue me from the negativities?

Quote

“If your sins are as big as a stream, His love and forgiveness is as big as the sea.”

“Tonight, we will not make noise. We will shout to the Lord with our loud voices and sincere hearts.”

“Jesus Christ never stops reaching to us. That’s why we shouldn’t stop coming back to Him.”

-Mass Presider and Worship Leader
Tear Down Walls
Liveloud Concert (Youth For Christ)
World Trade Center
June 12, 2015

Wonderful head start

The first two days of this school year have been nothing but wonderful!

The funny thing is I expected the exact opposite. My clinical uniforms — worn only by seniors — were still at the tailor’s shop the weekend before classes resumed. I didn’t have white rubber shoes and school supplies yet. We haven’t paid for my dormitory’s monthly charge (for the month of May). I didn’t want to leave home too soon. I didn’t want to be an independent student, alone in the city, again. I didn’t like what my roommate did weeks ago, so I definitely didn’t want to see her yet. I wasn’t prepared for my final year in school. I didn’t want this most stressful year to begin. I felt sad each time I remembered this will be “the last.” My right arm muscles were aching so bad the night before the first day. I was scared that we’d defend research titles on day 1 alike the past semester. And, I didn’t have the guts to face the worst case scenario: that I may not receive academic scholarship grant on this  f i n a l  y e a r. I already accepted that this would be my worst first day/first week.

God works in wonderful ways, that I once again have proven today. He filled these past few days with whew’s, yes!, and hahaha! My uniforms fit so well. Mom let me buy all necessary things before heading to the dormitory. I was able to pay the fee. My friends and I chatted and laughed ’til our eyes began to form tears. I now feel ready for senior year.. the struggles, the stress, all the inevitable. I took medicine to relieve the muscle pain on the first day and manage to shoo the thought away and go on with what I’m doing each time it aches. My Undergraduate Research schedule was moved to a different day. I computed the wrong set of grades! My scholarship was granted just an hour ago.

This afternoon, I also had trouble with the copy of my grades. I spent hours trying to get it from my parents thru email but failed. When I was about to give up and go with the last and most dreadful option, I received the copy. Yes, right there and then. Someone from up above even whispered to my guy friends when I was alone sitting and trying to figure out what to do. He let me chat with them and talk about different things that diverted my emotions from disappointed and worried to calm and happy.

Isn’t He amazing? Right when I felt hopeless and was dying inside did He tap my shoulder to remind me that He will not let those happen. Here I am now singing and dancing as I listen to my old playlists, enjoying the solidarity, truly grateful for having a wonderful head start.