I paused it and am writing this while crying. It’s because of this movie that I finally am honest to myself on how lonely I am.
I am lonely.
I still don’t have anyone. 23 years (24 in a month) and I still don’t.
I know no one should make anyone a solution to their sadness.. or problems.. or feeling of incompleteness, but I really feel sad and incomplete.
I am okay. My life’s okay. There’s these bumps every now and then, but I am okay with my life, my family, my friends, myself. I like how everything is. I love it. I’m happy.
It’s just that there’s something missing. There’s this hole inside. I feel empty. Not that I don’t feel loved; in fact I am, very. It’s just different when you have someone. As I always say and know:
I may be a little bruised now. I might seem to be yearning for somebody to complete me or fix me or turn as my world. No, all I want is to have someone I can shower all my love on and be showered on all his, someone I’d brave any storm with.
I never thought we’d have a conversation like this ever and I’m thankful for this chance. You were one of the first guys who made me feel so special, who taught me of patience, consistency, and perseverance, who made me realize I’m worth loving, and whom I hurt so much.
I’m really happy for you. You would always talk about these things back in high school and now everything’s slowly turning into reality. You’re migrating to the US in a few weeks. You’re getting married in a few months. She is your first and last. You’re aiming to get your mom to be with you two asap. You had everything planned out and really are chasing your dreams at a young age.
I don’t want to ruin the moment by saying sorry for everything I did, said, made you feel.. but I hope you know I am.
Just really happy we are talking right now.. Me being excited to wear a gown on your wedding.. You telling me I might get married in church first.. I’m happy you’re happy. Knew I wasn’t the one for you, but I wanted us to be like this.