“December is for last chances, final hope, before we start something new.”
This is one of those nights when I just can’t stop thinking, worrying, and suddenly explode into tears I’ve been trying to hold back for far too long.
It’s just so hard. Worse, I have no one to talk to about all these. I know there are lots of good souls willing to listen, but no matter how difficult it gets, a huge part of me still thinks and feels this is a battle I could fight on my own; partly because I don’t want others to see what’s behind the mask, more so that everything’s just masked.
I don’t know what to do anymore. R.. Should I speak to him now? Should I do it face to face? Should I just show this blog to him and let this explain everything? Should I just choose not to let him hear the truth from me ever? D.. Should I inform him that I just act normal but that doesn’t mean I’m over it and I forgive and believe him? Should I make him explain to me upfront? Should I add that woman on Facebook? Should I look into his phone once more? Should I let this go and just believe him?
This is one of those nights when I sincerely wish I could fall asleep and wake up finally knowing what to do.
I love long walks in the busy city streets early in the morning. But sometimes I wish there’d be anyone who will walk in front of me and assure me reality’s better than the world inside my head.
There are times that no matter how hard you convince yourself to stop, a part of you will always keep on hoping.
Last September 5, I was so busy, tensed, hyped, but not because it was my day but because it was another day to finish, submit, and defend our thesis. The whole team spent the night at my best friend’s house, which was usual to the PB’s. But in spite of the loads of work to finish, they managed to prepare a surprise for me. Twelve midnight, I walked back from my dormitory with my parents, lights were off, they sang and greeted with a huge box of pizza with lighted candle and an ongoing video from the iPad. I could still remember it like it just happened weeks ago.
Now, exactly a year later, here I am at home, past all the stress from college life, past pre-board, watching series and eating pistachio-flavored ice cream while waiting for the board exam’s results. Who would’ve known it was just half a year ago when I haven’t even have time to care about how I look or how much sleep I got the night before or what would it be like six months later?
I am just so thankful for everything I’ve been through, for another year I was granted, for everything. Also, I’m grateful I realized today that birthdays need not be extravagant, nor spendy, nor have lots of people to remember it every year. I woke up feeling bad about my family arguing, had just seven “greeters,” and spent my day just watching and eating at home, even a few hours alone. I feel happy to be 21 and contented.
My day’s ending in a few hours. All I hope is for another good day next year, better if willed. Who knows? There may be a good reason why today’s #HugAPsychMajorDay. I hope my family’s well and happy, my friends and I have stable jobs, and maybe, just maybe, I’m happy and in love with a man I deserve.. as much as he deserves.
Happy birthday, my dear self!
I wrote this on my birthday. I believe in “everything has a reason” now, more than ever. #HugAPsychMajorDay truly wasn’t a coincidence. The results came the day after. Dad woke me up with the happiest tone of his voice on the phone. And, just two days ago, I attended the Psychometricians and Psychologists’ Joint Oath Taking Ceremonies. I could not explain the joy that overwhelms me. The road is still long. For now, let me leave you with these two words, I’M READY.
Ma. Hyacinth C. Estidola, RPm