Dear You,

Hi. Since I don’t have the courage to tell you these nor share with pals, I will just write everything here.

I honestly don’t know where to start. 

I’m sorry. Three.. Four.. Many times you’ve tried to reach me. Many times I rejected you. You were brave enough to try and try and try, no matter how bad I make you feel, what your friends would say, how great the possibility that it will end up the same way as before, how much time and effort you were to waste. I’ve hurt you repeatedly but you still were willing to give us another chance. That is what I admire most about you.

I admit there are parts of you that make me want to say no, but they’re always outweighed by your other traits. I like how you want to tell the world about your feelings towards me.. That it’s me.. That it’s still me. I like how you bravely told mom that you understand that she doesn’t want me to be in a relationship yet, and wanted to personally apologize to dad when he got mad at me for arriving home late one night. I like how you cherish even the simplest moments. I like your willingness to spend time with me whenever, wherever.

Our story is just wonderful. We were childhood friends and classmates. You were my crush. We met again seven years later. You courted me. I liked you. But I was too young to think it was something real. Two years and our paths crossed once more. We both were members of a youth organization. Our hearts found each other again. You courted me. I bravely put you on my list of 18 Roses. I wanted my last dance to be with you. I wanted you to choose a song that was special to me since it reminded me of you. You did. Mom and an uncle from the community made me realize we should stop seeing each other. We did. I read our Facebook conversations one time and found out you were trying to get to me countless times a year ago. I was then inlove with another man. I did not notice you.

Few months later you told me you wanted to try again. I tried convincing you not to. I didn’t want to hurt you or embarrass you.. Again. But I liked you, too. You courted me. Mom was stricter. I was too busy with academics. We faded. I almost forgot about you. Until friends told me you have moved on. I saw your pictures. I saw how happy you were with her. I was happy for you. I laughed at our friends’ mockery. One day, for the first time, tears fell. That’s when I realized the worth of what I let go. That’s when I promised myself I will genuinely be happy for you after that day. We spoke less. I saw you less. I was drowning with all the workload. You were drowning with happiness in her arms. A few months before my graduation, you seemed a ghost popping up on my social media accounts. We catched up. We were glad we spoke to each other again. We were honest in saying we missed one another. But we had different reasons. I happily told a friend that we were now okay, that finally we’re comfortable with each other again. She disagreed. She said you’re unhappy with your relationship and you wanted to see if we could try again. I was baffled. Little by little, I tried to understand your actions. My friend was right. Natural occurrences forbade us from stepping on the line, though.

A day before my birthday, you texted. We texted the whole day.. and on my day.. and the day after that. Until one morning, I did not reply to your morning greeting. I felt mad at myself and you. Clearly, you’re making a move. What was unclear was why. Why try again and why the haste. That time, it was just a few months after your breakup. Try as I may, I couldn’t stop thinking of the bad reasons. So, no. I wouldn’t risk it. I do not want to be your rebound girl. I do not want to be with you at your weakest time. I do not want you to use me to move on from her.

Now, we’re in the most awkward chapter. Our friends continue, and all the more, to tease us. We can feel the gap, as well as they. I’m trying to make a casual conversation now and then, but you were trying to avoid me. It’s too obvious not to notice, especially since it is our friends’ belief that we both just need a little push.

To be honest, I don’t understand myself now. I like you as much as I don’t. I don’t want to be with you as much as I do. I want you near me as much as I push you away. But just today, I’ve come up with the best conclusion. Yes, I do like you. I do want to be with you. But we’ll get our time. I’m not ready yet. I don’t want you to be my first. I’m too scared I might lose you easily. I want us to both be prepared, so that when our time comes, it will last. It will be worth all the waiting.

The question right now is, “Will there really be a future for us?” Only He knows. For now, I’ll bear with the situation. I can’t be with you, though we’ll meet every now and then. We like each other, though soon we’ll succeed in forgetting about these feelings and pouring them to other persons. I think I love you, but I want to stop thinking about it. 

I just hope we won’t forever be magnets.