This isn’t a movie review.
I paused it and am writing this while crying. It’s because of this movie that I finally am honest to myself on how lonely I am.
I am lonely.
I still don’t have anyone. 23 years (24 in a month) and I still don’t.
I know no one should make anyone a solution to their sadness.. or problems.. or feeling of incompleteness, but I really feel sad and incomplete.
I am okay. My life’s okay. There’s these bumps every now and then, but I am okay with my life, my family, my friends, myself. I like how everything is. I love it. I’m happy.
It’s just that there’s something missing. There’s this hole inside. I feel empty. Not that I don’t feel loved; in fact I am, very. It’s just different when you have someone. As I always say and know:
I may be a little bruised now. I might seem to be yearning for somebody to complete me or fix me or turn as my world. No, all I want is to have someone I can shower all my love on and be showered on all his, someone I’d brave any storm with.
But where are you?
When you’re more honest to the person you’re rejecting about a person you’re into than to the latter…
Plus, after turning him down, he ends up advising you on being brave enough to tell that other person how you feel about him.
How complicated can my life be?
Didn’t get to see them so just opted to be like them 😝🐼
I used to hold grudges on people (dear friends and special ones) who either agree to meeting up then cancelling last minute, especially those who don’t give any notice that they wouldn’t make it, or don’t respond to any of my messages and keep me on “seen.”
These people, unfortunately, are those whom I rarely see or talk or whom I had to gather enough courage first before speaking to or asking out; which was why I tend to hurt so much then.
But I have learnt to shrug it off (that I’m very glad to) sometime this year; when and how are vague.
What I do is I keep in mind that I don’t know if they may be going through / have been through something. If I do know, still, I don’t know what exactly they were feeling or how devastating it must have been for them.
I try to understand.
I try to.. Though I don’t understand a thing, though I’m hurting, though I feel disappointed, though my expectations and excitement are really at the peak.
We all cope differently.
During those times, we also sometimes hurt others or push them away unbeknownst to us.
I just repeat those thoughts over and over until I’m calm.
I hope they know that I’ll still be here, fast forward everything.
Sight is the most precious thing to me. Whenever asked which of the five senses I would be alright living without, sight isn’t even in the choices.
Watching this video made me decide right then and there that when I have enough money, I will donate glasses or caah to people who were born colorblind or blind.
It just isn’t fair. It’s unfair that they don’t get to see, appreciate, and be in awe of God’s wonderful creations. They cannot not see this beauty.. this marvelous world we’re in.
I vow to do so.
Created a wallpaper that would help me check if I’m taking the right steps each day.. If I’m moving towards my goals.
Looks really messy and childish, but is very symbolic.
Dollar bills – spend less, save more, earn more
Honda logo – watch driving lessons, get a driver’s license, use CK our car
Two hearts – go on dates for Pete’s sake, let go if it’s not him or do something to keep him
Family on a car wearing beanies – treat my family on trips to places as far as I could afford
Purple – my favorite color then, to remind me that these have been MY goals for a long time now, mine and not imposed by anyone else
I have so much love to give, I think my heart’s gonna explode any minute now. But I’ll wait for you.. Patiently, until our time comes.
Watching films are my way of coping.