Light and Dark

7PM

Stepped out of the office and saw the moon still so visible and full. 😍

Good morning/night!

All things new

New work.

New shift.

New songs from Lauv and Taylor Swift.

New Marvel movie.

An exciting week, this is. ✨

I wasn’t drunk; I was myself that night.

I realized this just now. That night, and probably on other days, I did and said all those things not because I was drunk. I was just my complete self. I may not know why exactly, but in nights like that, I’m myself. It may be because I’m extremely comfortable with the people I’m with or because the people around me are drunk anyways and may forget everything the following day. Whatever the reason, I’m just glad I’m able to put down my mask from time to time.

This is one of those nights

This is one of those nights when I just can’t stop thinking, worrying, and suddenly explode into tears I’ve been trying to hold back for far too long. 

It’s just so hard. Worse, I have no one to talk to about all these. I know there are lots of good souls willing to listen, but no matter how difficult it gets, a huge part of me still thinks and feels this is a battle I could fight on my own; partly because I don’t want others to see what’s behind the mask, more so that everything’s just masked.

I don’t know what to do anymore. R.. Should I speak to him now? Should I do it face to face? Should I just show this blog to him and let this explain everything? Should I just choose not to let him hear the truth from me ever? D.. Should I inform him that I just act normal but that doesn’t mean I’m over it and I forgive and believe him? Should I make him explain to me upfront? Should I add that woman on Facebook? Should I look into his phone once more? Should I let this go and just believe him?

This is one of those nights when I sincerely wish I could fall asleep and wake up finally knowing what to do. 

I can’t but I want to. I want to but I can’t.

Do you know what kills me? It’s the fact that you’ve totally moved on while I haven’t yet. It’s that to you this was all just a casual conversation, but to me it seemed as if a reconciliation.

Soon, I will heal. For now, all I have to do is prepare to see you in tomorrow’s event, after months of distance and no communication, prepare to act all casual and conceal what my eyes truly say. I hope tonight’s sleep can take away these feelings. I want it to. Good night, dear.