This is one of those nights

This is one of those nights when I just can’t stop thinking, worrying, and suddenly explode into tears I’ve been trying to hold back for far too long. 

It’s just so hard. Worse, I have no one to talk to about all these. I know there are lots of good souls willing to listen, but no matter how difficult it gets, a huge part of me still thinks and feels this is a battle I could fight on my own; partly because I don’t want others to see what’s behind the mask, more so that everything’s just masked.

I don’t know what to do anymore. R.. Should I speak to him now? Should I do it face to face? Should I just show this blog to him and let this explain everything? Should I just choose not to let him hear the truth from me ever? D.. Should I inform him that I just act normal but that doesn’t mean I’m over it and I forgive and believe him? Should I make him explain to me upfront? Should I add that woman on Facebook? Should I look into his phone once more? Should I let this go and just believe him?

This is one of those nights when I sincerely wish I could fall asleep and wake up finally knowing what to do. 

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I can’t but I want to. I want to but I can’t.

Do you know what kills me? It’s the fact that you’ve totally moved on while I haven’t yet. It’s that to you this was all just a casual conversation, but to me it seemed as if a reconciliation.

Soon, I will heal. For now, all I have to do is prepare to see you in tomorrow’s event, after months of distance and no communication, prepare to act all casual and conceal what my eyes truly say. I hope tonight’s sleep can take away these feelings. I want it to. Good night, dear.