The eagle has landed

The film, Eddie The Eagle, has just moved from my list of “To Watch” to my list of “All-Time Favorites”. I have also just recommended it to all my Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook connections.

I’m on a high right now. I’m listing down all the words I can associate to this movie, this life story:

Dedication. Passion. Failure. Determination. Rejection. Inspiration. Trust. Courage. Heart. Ambition. Training. Dream. Positivity. Negativity. Hope. Struggle. Pain. Recognition. Effort. Discipline. Readiness. Spirit. Motivation. Experience. Preparation. Encouragement. Understanding. Belief.

No further explanations. That’s it; that’s the review.

Grudges

I used to hold grudges on people (dear friends and special ones) who either agree to meeting up then cancelling last minute, especially those who don’t give any notice that they wouldn’t make it, or don’t respond to any of my messages and keep me on “seen.”

These people, unfortunately, are those whom I rarely see or talk or whom I had to gather enough courage first before speaking to or asking out; which was why I tend to hurt so much then.

But I have learnt to shrug it off (that I’m very glad to) sometime this year; when and how are vague.

What I do is I keep in mind that I don’t know if they may be going through / have been through something. If I do know, still, I don’t know what exactly they were feeling or how devastating it must have been for them.

I try to understand.

I try to.. Though I don’t understand a thing, though I’m hurting, though I feel disappointed, though my expectations and excitement are really at the peak.

We all cope differently.

During those times, we also sometimes hurt others or push them away unbeknownst to us.

I just repeat those thoughts over and over until I’m calm.

I hope they know that I’ll still be here, fast forward everything.

W,

I never thought we’d have a conversation like this ever and I’m thankful for this chance. You were one of the first guys who made me feel so special, who taught me of patience, consistency, and perseverance, who made me realize I’m worth loving, and whom I hurt so much.

I’m really happy for you. You would always talk about these things back in high school and now everything’s slowly turning into reality. You’re migrating to the US in a few weeks. You’re getting married in a few months. She is your first and last. You’re aiming to get your mom to be with you two asap. You had everything planned out and really are chasing your dreams at a young age.

I don’t want to ruin the moment by saying sorry for everything I did, said, made you feel.. but I hope you know I am.

Just really happy we are talking right now.. Me being excited to wear a gown on your wedding.. You telling me I might get married in church first.. I’m happy you’re happy. Knew I wasn’t the one for you, but I wanted us to be like this.

Message

Just finished watching A Star Is Born and I’m still in pain. The film’s message?

Life. Music. Alcoholism. Addiction. Love. Family. Voice. Pain. History. Secrets. Fame. Death. Choices.

I want to make this post long. I want to share everything I learnt, felt, but I’m lost for words…

Truly, no matter how long and how much you prepare for people who are leaving, the pain’s still the same.

Please don’t

Took a nap just a while ago.

Dreamt of me hearing my father flirting on the phone. I stormed outside my room towards him in the living room. He didn’t notice me as his eyes were closed and was wearing earphones. I was enraged, more so because the setting was similar to the actual before I fell asleep — my mother and youngest sister asleep on the couches — yet he seemed confident he won’t wake them up and kept on talking. Though I already knew who it was on the other end, I grabbed his phone to look at the caller ID. It was a bit hard since along with the shock, his reflexes made him hold on to his phone.

I awakened.

No, please don’t let it be a warning, Lord. I don’t want it to happen to us.. again. I don’t want to go through it alone again. I don’t want to hold more grudges against him. I don’t want to forgive him again. Please.

Room that comforts

The hardest part about crying in the bathroom isn’t when you sit on the toilet for the longest time nor when you place your hand on your mouth to avoid making any noise; it’s when you think you’re already okay but you get up seeing your swollen eyes and damp cheeks in the mirror.. And you break down all over again.