Looking back

I revisited my New Year 2019 post here and had the intention of posting it on my personal social media accounts, but realized it’s better not to broadcast it to people who knew me. Less judgments.. Less eyes on me..

Instead, let me share it here again. In all honesty, I’m amazed at how it was me who wrote this. There’s just so much intellect, so much power, positivity, direction. I almost couldn’t believe these were my own thoughts, my goals for the last year. C’mon, just look at the title. The wit. Lol.

Of all six, the fourth one is what I haven’t followed much and should focus on this year. The rest, I hope to continue reminding myself.

The year started out.. Okay? I was both happy and sad a number of times and we’re just on the 5th page. But overall, I’m excited. I’m really, really excited for what this year has for me, for everyone, actually.

To myself on January 2021, if you are to look back at this.. I know it had been a long year; I can only imagine. Regardless of the state of your heart now, whether this is a next chapter or a blank slate, I wish nothing but your happiness and the fulfillment of your goals for the coming year!

But still

“Who’s this? Looks familiar?”

My harsh way of saying, “I missed you so much, E! I miss the kind of friendship we had when you were still single.”

But of course he didn’t get that.

W,

I never thought we’d have a conversation like this ever and I’m thankful for this chance. You were one of the first guys who made me feel so special, who taught me of patience, consistency, and perseverance, who made me realize I’m worth loving, and whom I hurt so much.

I’m really happy for you. You would always talk about these things back in high school and now everything’s slowly turning into reality. You’re migrating to the US in a few weeks. You’re getting married in a few months. She is your first and last. You’re aiming to get your mom to be with you two asap. You had everything planned out and really are chasing your dreams at a young age.

I don’t want to ruin the moment by saying sorry for everything I did, said, made you feel.. but I hope you know I am.

Just really happy we are talking right now.. Me being excited to wear a gown on your wedding.. You telling me I might get married in church first.. I’m happy you’re happy. Knew I wasn’t the one for you, but I wanted us to be like this.

Please don’t

Took a nap just a while ago.

Dreamt of me hearing my father flirting on the phone. I stormed outside my room towards him in the living room. He didn’t notice me as his eyes were closed and was wearing earphones. I was enraged, more so because the setting was similar to the actual before I fell asleep — my mother and youngest sister asleep on the couches — yet he seemed confident he won’t wake them up and kept on talking. Though I already knew who it was on the other end, I grabbed his phone to look at the caller ID. It was a bit hard since along with the shock, his reflexes made him hold on to his phone.

I awakened.

No, please don’t let it be a warning, Lord. I don’t want it to happen to us.. again. I don’t want to go through it alone again. I don’t want to hold more grudges against him. I don’t want to forgive him again. Please.

When someone said s/he would like to travel back in time, not to change things, but to feel a few things twice.

darn, I felt that.

There are photos that make you smile and think, “This happened? ☺️ At least this happened”