I meant..

Okay, last chance. If you don’t say or do anything that’ll prove that you still are into me, I’m done. I’m letting go of these long-time hopes and stubborn feelings for real.

Or maybe last two.

*weak laugh* When will I succeed in getting over you?

Reminder

Created a wallpaper that would help me check if I’m taking the right steps each day.. If I’m moving towards my goals.

Looks really messy and childish, but is very symbolic.

Dollar bills – spend less, save more, earn more

Honda logo – watch driving lessons, get a driver’s license, use CK our car

Two hearts – go on dates for Pete’s sake, let go if it’s not him or do something to keep him

Family on a car wearing beanies – treat my family on trips to places as far as I could afford

Purple – my favorite color then, to remind me that these have been MY goals for a long time now, mine and not imposed by anyone else

W,

I never thought we’d have a conversation like this ever and I’m thankful for this chance. You were one of the first guys who made me feel so special, who taught me of patience, consistency, and perseverance, who made me realize I’m worth loving, and whom I hurt so much.

I’m really happy for you. You would always talk about these things back in high school and now everything’s slowly turning into reality. You’re migrating to the US in a few weeks. You’re getting married in a few months. She is your first and last. You’re aiming to get your mom to be with you two asap. You had everything planned out and really are chasing your dreams at a young age.

I don’t want to ruin the moment by saying sorry for everything I did, said, made you feel.. but I hope you know I am.

Just really happy we are talking right now.. Me being excited to wear a gown on your wedding.. You telling me I might get married in church first.. I’m happy you’re happy. Knew I wasn’t the one for you, but I wanted us to be like this.

Maybe not

Maybe one day, all these thoughts will be reality. Maybe not with the person I’m imagining at present, but surely with the right person.

This in itself soothes me.

I just really can’t control my mind. Us getting another chance in this lifetime is next to impossible anymore, but I can’t stop myself. I keep on creating happy memories I know might never happen.

And that’s okay. I’ll hold on to the thought that it might not.. not with him.. But with the person written in God’s plans, it surely will.

I think I can settle on this for now.

Were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.
Psalm 40:5 NIV

https://psalm.bible/psalm-40-5

Fix

Maybe steering away, for now, is the best thing to do. Fix myself first or I drag them down with me. Never will I let the latter happen. Happy New Year to the people I care about. I’ll be cheering from the sides.

Yes and No

So, I’m seated across my sister, staring blankly on the floor.

“Ano, give up na?” (So, giving up?)

She’s referring to the article I’m writing for work, but it was processed a lot differently.

You?

Yes, I’m letting go of the feelings and hopes I still have.

Yes, I’m giving up the thought that we could still be something when the time is right.

Plans?

No, I’m not letting go of the dreams I have for myself.

No, I trust in His plans for me.

The question’s still echoing. My answers are clear but my soul feels so empty and heavy at the same time.

Have a little faith

No matter how bad your day goes, there’s always someone up there who wouldn’t let it end that way. You just have to take the time to notice the little things.

So far, it has been a struggle to wake up each day and get to work. I have a problem with my status, my workload, my worth, my rights. I’m losing all the motivation to do my responsibilities. I won’t get into details but it’s really a mess right now. And just lately, I’ve convinced myself (with the help of my beloved coworkers) to finally do something about it.. and not just anything, but the biggest risk one could do. I’ve set my plans, but I’m still having difficulties executing them, let alone the fact that aside from my colleagues, none of my friends and family have any idea about what I’m going through. I’m also trying really hard to distract myself from other problems I concurrently have.

There I was, getting out of the building from working late, dreading the thought of going home and not getting a good sleep from worrying and getting up again to face life. I saw the buses filled with people standing and sighed. My mood and the condition of my ride home is just a good combo, isn’t it? Then, as I read the sign from the coming bus I was about to ride, I was surprised it was the one that could take me home easily! Buses like this one never (in my whole experience) come this way! It was such a blessing. I kept sighing in relief as I boarded and comfortably sat.

So I thought He was done surprising me. I read today’s teaching from The Daily Bread and it just strike me right through the chest. He wanted me to surrender all plans I have to him, reminded that He is beside me through it all. It even has the scripture that I have a copy here on my phone as a wallpaper that I use each time I needed it.

“God is within her, she will not fall.” Psalms 46:5

Minutes later, as I was writing down my reflections for today’s reading, the song Heavy played on the bus. This is the one song that really gets to me especially in times that everything feels heavy. I let out a deep sigh. The song was followed by Superhero, one of my all-time motivating songs. I mouthed a “thank You” as I began to realize the consecutive ways He’s been letting me aware of his presence. No matter how hard these days are to me right now, I’m never alone in this fight. So are you.