Grudges

I used to hold grudges on people (dear friends and special ones) who either agree to meeting up then cancelling last minute, especially those who don’t give any notice that they wouldn’t make it, or don’t respond to any of my messages and keep me on “seen.”

These people, unfortunately, are those whom I rarely see or talk or whom I had to gather enough courage first before speaking to or asking out; which was why I tend to hurt so much then.

But I have learnt to shrug it off (that I’m very glad to) sometime this year; when and how are vague.

What I do is I keep in mind that I don’t know if they may be going through / have been through something. If I do know, still, I don’t know what exactly they were feeling or how devastating it must have been for them.

I try to understand.

I try to.. Though I don’t understand a thing, though I’m hurting, though I feel disappointed, though my expectations and excitement are really at the peak.

We all cope differently.

During those times, we also sometimes hurt others or push them away unbeknownst to us.

I just repeat those thoughts over and over until I’m calm.

I hope they know that I’ll still be here, fast forward everything.

Watching films are my way of coping.

Moments

Random moments when the conversations flow freely..

Rants, secrets, problems.. They’re all out without second thoughts.

It just feels so good.

These are moments I rarely realize I need until they happen.

A Christian in whom the Holy Spirit dwells is not exempt from having to experience struggle, temptations, disorderly desires, rebellious feelings… [the difference is that all these things come] upon him against his will.’ They are on the surface. Yet there is a ‘peace in the depth of their hearts. That is like a deep-ocean current always flowing steadily regardless of the wind and the waves on the surface.” –Father Raniero Cantalamessa

I realized, crying doesn’t change the situation. So I must stop the tears and start doing something that does.

Room that comforts

The hardest part about crying in the bathroom isn’t when you sit on the toilet for the longest time nor when you place your hand on your mouth to avoid making any noise; it’s when you think you’re already okay but you get up seeing your swollen eyes and damp cheeks in the mirror.. And you break down all over again.

Look at yourself

Dear self,

Look.

Your problems are growing on you. It’s starting to show on your heavy eyebags, countless acnes, and exhausted face. Stop it right now, woman.

Smile. Sleep early. Make time for the things and people that you really want in your life. Workout. Drink more tea. Meet new people. Open your books. Watch movies. Grab your guitar. Polish your nails. Trim your brows.

Take care of yourself.

Your situation may become more and more difficult and your problems may grow bigger and bigger, but as you struggle to find the solutions to each and every one of them, don’t forget yourself.

Most importantly, pray.

Love,

H

Viola Davis’ life story’s another inspo!

Hers and Sylvester Stallone’s, George Clooney’s, etc. I love learning about their personalities, their passion, hardwork, the roots and the fruits of it all.