W,

I never thought we’d have a conversation like this ever and I’m thankful for this chance. You were one of the first guys who made me feel so special, who taught me of patience, consistency, and perseverance, who made me realize I’m worth loving, and whom I hurt so much.

I’m really happy for you. You would always talk about these things back in high school and now everything’s slowly turning into reality. You’re migrating to the US in a few weeks. You’re getting married in a few months. She is your first and last. You’re aiming to get your mom to be with you two asap. You had everything planned out and really are chasing your dreams at a young age.

I don’t want to ruin the moment by saying sorry for everything I did, said, made you feel.. but I hope you know I am.

Just really happy we are talking right now.. Me being excited to wear a gown on your wedding.. You telling me I might get married in church first.. I’m happy you’re happy. Knew I wasn’t the one for you, but I wanted us to be like this.

Wonderful head start

The first two days of this school year have been nothing but wonderful!

The funny thing is I expected the exact opposite. My clinical uniforms — worn only by seniors — were still at the tailor’s shop the weekend before classes resumed. I didn’t have white rubber shoes and school supplies yet. We haven’t paid for my dormitory’s monthly charge (for the month of May). I didn’t want to leave home too soon. I didn’t want to be an independent student, alone in the city, again. I didn’t like what my roommate did weeks ago, so I definitely didn’t want to see her yet. I wasn’t prepared for my final year in school. I didn’t want this most stressful year to begin. I felt sad each time I remembered this will be “the last.” My right arm muscles were aching so bad the night before the first day. I was scared that we’d defend research titles on day 1 alike the past semester. And, I didn’t have the guts to face the worst case scenario: that I may not receive academic scholarship grant on this  f i n a l  y e a r. I already accepted that this would be my worst first day/first week.

God works in wonderful ways, that I once again have proven today. He filled these past few days with whew’s, yes!, and hahaha! My uniforms fit so well. Mom let me buy all necessary things before heading to the dormitory. I was able to pay the fee. My friends and I chatted and laughed ’til our eyes began to form tears. I now feel ready for senior year.. the struggles, the stress, all the inevitable. I took medicine to relieve the muscle pain on the first day and manage to shoo the thought away and go on with what I’m doing each time it aches. My Undergraduate Research schedule was moved to a different day. I computed the wrong set of grades! My scholarship was granted just an hour ago.

This afternoon, I also had trouble with the copy of my grades. I spent hours trying to get it from my parents thru email but failed. When I was about to give up and go with the last and most dreadful option, I received the copy. Yes, right there and then. Someone from up above even whispered to my guy friends when I was alone sitting and trying to figure out what to do. He let me chat with them and talk about different things that diverted my emotions from disappointed and worried to calm and happy.

Isn’t He amazing? Right when I felt hopeless and was dying inside did He tap my shoulder to remind me that He will not let those happen. Here I am now singing and dancing as I listen to my old playlists, enjoying the solidarity, truly grateful for having a wonderful head start.