I still think of you, best friend.

But no matter how bad I feel for what happened to our friendship, I keep getting the but-it-was-toxic end of statement.

It was bound to end one way or another. I will not be able to stay long in that kind of friendship. It’s exhausting. Nakakasakal. It’s just too much.

I was very happy and very grateful for your family’s generosity and open hearts. I had a very good time staying at your place, spending time with your relatives who made me feel like I was part of the family, too. It sucks I had to disappear.

I truly, honestly, hope you’re doing okay. Last time your cousin and I spoke, you weren’t. I wish you’d come out of your shell, meet people, trust people, live.

I hope you find the best friend I can never be. I hope you also have a boy friend now. I can’t wait to hear about those two!

I sincerely hope I haven’t scarred you for life.

I knew what your other former friends meant to you and how bad it shaped your outlook in life. Still, I turned out to be one of those stories.

But I just can’t be friends with just you. I can’t let you prohibit me from going out with other people just coz you need me and only had me. I can’t let you make me feel bad for not always visiting when I started working and moved back home to spend time with my family. I have a life of my own, too.

It was getting toxic. Early on, I saw the red flags; but I thought I could help you. I thought I will be able to. I almost lost some other good friends in the process. I have a life of my own, too. As much as I wanted to be the best friend for you, I can’t just have my life revolve around you.

In the end, I had to lose you.. and your whole, amazing family. I miss all of you.. Always. I think there’s not a month I haven’t thought of you. I’ve even thought of driving by your street sometime.

But it wasn’t just all you; I hope you know that. I was wrong in many ways. I was wrong to try to change you. I realized too late that I couldn’t help you by forcing you to change. We’re different. We’re polars. Solutions that benefit me may not be able to help you. They didn’t.

I wish you well.

I haven’t given up; I know you will do better. I know you can. You don’t need someone else to help you. You need you. You have you. One day you’ll come to realize that. Stay healthy. Stay alive.

“…take care of your heart.”

And in the end, we still wish them well. No matter how hurting we are, we still think about their happiness.

That, there, is love.

Looking back

I revisited my New Year 2019 post here and had the intention of posting it on my personal social media accounts, but realized it’s better not to broadcast it to people who knew me. Less judgments.. Less eyes on me..

Instead, let me share it here again. In all honesty, I’m amazed at how it was me who wrote this. There’s just so much intellect, so much power, positivity, direction. I almost couldn’t believe these were my own thoughts, my goals for the last year. C’mon, just look at the title. The wit. Lol.

Of all six, the fourth one is what I haven’t followed much and should focus on this year. The rest, I hope to continue reminding myself.

The year started out.. Okay? I was both happy and sad a number of times and we’re just on the 5th page. But overall, I’m excited. I’m really, really excited for what this year has for me, for everyone, actually.

To myself on January 2021, if you are to look back at this.. I know it had been a long year; I can only imagine. Regardless of the state of your heart now, whether this is a next chapter or a blank slate, I wish nothing but your happiness and the fulfillment of your goals for the coming year!