Dear b,

Hi! I’m H and you’re my future partner, my first actually. How are you? Where are you? What are you doing right now? Who are you with? Are you happily inlove? Are you in pain? Have I met you already? When will our paths cross? Are you asking the same questions? 

It’s silly, but I’m always thinking of you. I hope that wherever you are now, love and faith will always guide your steps. Whatever it is you may be going through right now, you’ll get past it. The success and joy you may be experiencing now, please know you deserve it. 

Right now, I’m doing my youngest sister’s school project while listening to worship songs. You suddenly crossed my mind. I’ve been meaning to write to you in quite a while; recently, I was inspired to really do so because of the movie Finally Found Someone that I watched. I’m currently going through a lot. “The stakes are high; the waters rough~” as Tay sang. These days are really tough. Most of the time, I sit in silence with endless sighs, hoping it ends soon. It would’ve been a lot lighter if you were here with me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming you for not being here earlier. The thought of you possibly experiencing the opposite right now, having the best days of your life, comforts me. I hope you really are. But if we are both struggling at the moment, I know we both are strong persons. We’ll get through these apart and talk about it together someday soon.

I’m ready to be with you anytime now. I hope you don’t get caught in traffic for a longer time. I have so much love to give. All these years, I’ve prayed for you. I’ve waited.. and I’ll be waiting. I admit, I’m inlove with somebody; I’ve been for a long time. I also admit, a part of me still hopes you’re the same person who’ll someday get to read this. But I’m trying really hard to get over him, especially now, now that I’ve accepted some things couldn’t really be and some persons I have already lost a long time ago. If he isn’t you, please don’t feel bad nor jealous. By the time you’re reading this, it is already you, my you. I can’t wait to be with you. I hope you’re on your way. I hope life’s leading me to you each day. 

One day yours,

H ❤️

Happier?

I don’t know why but when it comes to you, to thoughts about you, I can make and post an article right away. Many times, in different situations, I want to and feel the need to; but I don’t do so since I have other things to do, don’t have the time to write as it’s happening or as I’m feeling it.

I don’t know why but when it comes to you, my mind works 24/7. No matter what I’m doing nor where I’m at, my thoughts travel to a place only us two exist. I’m aware that I should stop daydreaming of things I know has of little possibility of turning into reality. But I want to. I love to. I always do.

I don’t know why but when it comes to you, my heart aches oh so easily as tears form in both corners of my eyes. I thought that was something else. I thought we’re finally starting over, starting for real. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe that day was nothing to you. Maybe that post wasn’t about me. Maybe you still haven’t moved on from her. Why else would that song mean that much to you?

Dear You,

Hi. Since I don’t have the courage to tell you these nor share with pals, I will just write everything here.

I honestly don’t know where to start. 

I’m sorry. Three.. Four.. Many times you’ve tried to reach me. Many times I rejected you. You were brave enough to try and try and try, no matter how bad I make you feel, what your friends would say, how great the possibility that it will end up the same way as before, how much time and effort you were to waste. I’ve hurt you repeatedly but you still were willing to give us another chance. That is what I admire most about you.

I admit there are parts of you that make me want to say no, but they’re always outweighed by your other traits. I like how you want to tell the world about your feelings towards me.. That it’s me.. That it’s still me. I like how you bravely told mom that you understand that she doesn’t want me to be in a relationship yet, and wanted to personally apologize to dad when he got mad at me for arriving home late one night. I like how you cherish even the simplest moments. I like your willingness to spend time with me whenever, wherever.

Our story is just wonderful. We were childhood friends and classmates. You were my crush. We met again seven years later. You courted me. I liked you. But I was too young to think it was something real. Two years and our paths crossed once more. We both were members of a youth organization. Our hearts found each other again. You courted me. I bravely put you on my list of 18 Roses. I wanted my last dance to be with you. I wanted you to choose a song that was special to me since it reminded me of you. You did. Mom and an uncle from the community made me realize we should stop seeing each other. We did. I read our Facebook conversations one time and found out you were trying to get to me countless times a year ago. I was then inlove with another man. I did not notice you.

Few months later you told me you wanted to try again. I tried convincing you not to. I didn’t want to hurt you or embarrass you.. Again. But I liked you, too. You courted me. Mom was stricter. I was too busy with academics. We faded. I almost forgot about you. Until friends told me you have moved on. I saw your pictures. I saw how happy you were with her. I was happy for you. I laughed at our friends’ mockery. One day, for the first time, tears fell. That’s when I realized the worth of what I let go. That’s when I promised myself I will genuinely be happy for you after that day. We spoke less. I saw you less. I was drowning with all the workload. You were drowning with happiness in her arms. A few months before my graduation, you seemed a ghost popping up on my social media accounts. We catched up. We were glad we spoke to each other again. We were honest in saying we missed one another. But we had different reasons. I happily told a friend that we were now okay, that finally we’re comfortable with each other again. She disagreed. She said you’re unhappy with your relationship and you wanted to see if we could try again. I was baffled. Little by little, I tried to understand your actions. My friend was right. Natural occurrences forbade us from stepping on the line, though.

A day before my birthday, you texted. We texted the whole day.. and on my day.. and the day after that. Until one morning, I did not reply to your morning greeting. I felt mad at myself and you. Clearly, you’re making a move. What was unclear was why. Why try again and why the haste. That time, it was just a few months after your breakup. Try as I may, I couldn’t stop thinking of the bad reasons. So, no. I wouldn’t risk it. I do not want to be your rebound girl. I do not want to be with you at your weakest time. I do not want you to use me to move on from her.

Now, we’re in the most awkward chapter. Our friends continue, and all the more, to tease us. We can feel the gap, as well as they. I’m trying to make a casual conversation now and then, but you were trying to avoid me. It’s too obvious not to notice, especially since it is our friends’ belief that we both just need a little push.

To be honest, I don’t understand myself now. I like you as much as I don’t. I don’t want to be with you as much as I do. I want you near me as much as I push you away. But just today, I’ve come up with the best conclusion. Yes, I do like you. I do want to be with you. But we’ll get our time. I’m not ready yet. I don’t want you to be my first. I’m too scared I might lose you easily. I want us to both be prepared, so that when our time comes, it will last. It will be worth all the waiting.

The question right now is, “Will there really be a future for us?” Only He knows. For now, I’ll bear with the situation. I can’t be with you, though we’ll meet every now and then. We like each other, though soon we’ll succeed in forgetting about these feelings and pouring them to other persons. I think I love you, but I want to stop thinking about it. 

I just hope we won’t forever be magnets.

I can’t but I want to. I want to but I can’t.

Do you know what kills me? It’s the fact that you’ve totally moved on while I haven’t yet. It’s that to you this was all just a casual conversation, but to me it seemed as if a reconciliation.

Soon, I will heal. For now, all I have to do is prepare to see you in tomorrow’s event, after months of distance and no communication, prepare to act all casual and conceal what my eyes truly say. I hope tonight’s sleep can take away these feelings. I want it to. Good night, dear.